Fear Is Your Enemy, Knowledge Is Your Power
People always talk about hitting rock bottom.
I hit it. Everyone who is willing to make drastic changes hits it. We all need to feel desperate for change, willing to make the sacrifices of the day to make the life we want. But the difference is, is that in this desperation, we realize we are not entitled to the finished goal until we work.
So I worked. I cried and I pushed and I regret a few things. But I worked. I worked off nearly 40 pounds while finishing nursing school and drinking every single chance I got. I ate less and less, hitting 1200 calories on a good day, but drinking that sugary sweet girly beer just to fall asleep.
Dependency is fear.
And no one likes to be afraid alone.
All my friends welcomed my change, welcomed my new body, welcomed the complaining. As long as I still went out on the weekend, I was still everyone’s friend.
So I graduated, lost a boyfriend due to drinking, and started working a 7/3 and found even better friends because now we all had the money to drink. Heavy. I moved to Uptown and never had to worry about driving home drunk again, if I kept my head up I could walk the 5 blocks back to my apartment.
But I still ate 1200 calories, following a trainer’s diet at a well-known gym. I ate mostly fats because I was not diabetic and therefore could increase the “fats” to stay away from the “sugar” to decrease calories and lose 3500 calories a week. I put those words in quotes so you can see how ridiculous that concept is - fats are fat and will make you fat.
It was not until I found my confidence in operating room nursing that I ventured out into the Uptown Boxing Club and became enthralled with the power and seduced by the body of Ronda Rousey. I had to know everything about her. I wanted to be her. Short of being a serial killer, I wanted to wear her skin. She was everything.
It took 4 months of not seeing results, being confident in another long-distance relationship, and hearing about a personal trainer sale that I finally bit the bullet. This time would be different, I told myself, you can control yourself.
I met Eric on December 30, 2014. I told the girls I wanted to squat and they brought me to him like a prize. I didn’t care. I looked at him with so much hope I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. Maybe one day I’ll ask him. He’s a bad historian like I am. He doesn't remember how much I drank when he asks me about it today.
I laugh every time I think about our conversation on January 7th, when he changed the trajectory of my life forever.
Had I known, I would’ve asked for more pictures.
Regardless, this time was different. I was begging for change and willing to put in any work necessary to get under that squat bar. I’m not sure what caused that, seeing Ronda squat or being around the ladies or having more fitness friends.
But I’m black and white, all in or nothing. He was my golden ticket and I had to prove myself.
But it was mutual decision, he told me he appreciated my dedication to the boxing classes and I told him I would not touch alcohol for 3 months for a reduced price.
That was the deal.
And we both kept the bargain.
Along with the desperation for squats there was a desperate need for nutrition. Eric had a friend who was an independent seller of a major diet food brand, but the knowledge and confidence I gained from that man alone could build an empire.
I went to Mike right after shaking Eric’s hand and promising not to touch the only thing that gave me comfort and made me fit into social situations I hate. Again, I wish I had asked for more pictures.
Mike showed me a break down of the meal plan I was still consuming from the trainer I had before - I can’t remember details, but it was about 50 grams of protein a day. Seriously. For all 175 pounds of me to critically think in the OR and burn 400 calories 3 times a week in boxing. I was living off alcohol and sugar.
The first week was hard. The diet food made life a lot easier, I could shake and go and not worry. I started tracking food on myfitnesspal and wearing a Polar watch and tracking calories out every week. Eric and I were awful at remembering to take measurements, but when we got them it was so outrageous I nearly hit him every time. I started at 36% body fat and I’m roughly 20% right now.
And that’s after several failures and several birthday cakes. The mental anguish is there, but the eyes are satisfied.
For now, I want to impress on the fact that humans are fearful. And the only way to overcome that fear is to become knowledgeable. And the only way to learn is to absorb without judgement and analyze the information based on your experiences.
Which is why my fitness experience is going to be different than yours. I can only tell you what worked for me and my metabolism.
A mentor can lead you quicker than you can blindly search. A coach will not accept less than 100%.
And I’m here to tell you that you deserve to give yourself 110%.
I hit it. Everyone who is willing to make drastic changes hits it. We all need to feel desperate for change, willing to make the sacrifices of the day to make the life we want. But the difference is, is that in this desperation, we realize we are not entitled to the finished goal until we work.
So I worked. I cried and I pushed and I regret a few things. But I worked. I worked off nearly 40 pounds while finishing nursing school and drinking every single chance I got. I ate less and less, hitting 1200 calories on a good day, but drinking that sugary sweet girly beer just to fall asleep.
Dependency is fear.
And no one likes to be afraid alone.
All my friends welcomed my change, welcomed my new body, welcomed the complaining. As long as I still went out on the weekend, I was still everyone’s friend.
So I graduated, lost a boyfriend due to drinking, and started working a 7/3 and found even better friends because now we all had the money to drink. Heavy. I moved to Uptown and never had to worry about driving home drunk again, if I kept my head up I could walk the 5 blocks back to my apartment.
But I still ate 1200 calories, following a trainer’s diet at a well-known gym. I ate mostly fats because I was not diabetic and therefore could increase the “fats” to stay away from the “sugar” to decrease calories and lose 3500 calories a week. I put those words in quotes so you can see how ridiculous that concept is - fats are fat and will make you fat.
It was not until I found my confidence in operating room nursing that I ventured out into the Uptown Boxing Club and became enthralled with the power and seduced by the body of Ronda Rousey. I had to know everything about her. I wanted to be her. Short of being a serial killer, I wanted to wear her skin. She was everything.
It took 4 months of not seeing results, being confident in another long-distance relationship, and hearing about a personal trainer sale that I finally bit the bullet. This time would be different, I told myself, you can control yourself.
I met Eric on December 30, 2014. I told the girls I wanted to squat and they brought me to him like a prize. I didn’t care. I looked at him with so much hope I’m not sure he knew what to do with me. Maybe one day I’ll ask him. He’s a bad historian like I am. He doesn't remember how much I drank when he asks me about it today.
I laugh every time I think about our conversation on January 7th, when he changed the trajectory of my life forever.
Had I known, I would’ve asked for more pictures.
Regardless, this time was different. I was begging for change and willing to put in any work necessary to get under that squat bar. I’m not sure what caused that, seeing Ronda squat or being around the ladies or having more fitness friends.
But I’m black and white, all in or nothing. He was my golden ticket and I had to prove myself.
But it was mutual decision, he told me he appreciated my dedication to the boxing classes and I told him I would not touch alcohol for 3 months for a reduced price.
That was the deal.
And we both kept the bargain.
Along with the desperation for squats there was a desperate need for nutrition. Eric had a friend who was an independent seller of a major diet food brand, but the knowledge and confidence I gained from that man alone could build an empire.
I went to Mike right after shaking Eric’s hand and promising not to touch the only thing that gave me comfort and made me fit into social situations I hate. Again, I wish I had asked for more pictures.
Mike showed me a break down of the meal plan I was still consuming from the trainer I had before - I can’t remember details, but it was about 50 grams of protein a day. Seriously. For all 175 pounds of me to critically think in the OR and burn 400 calories 3 times a week in boxing. I was living off alcohol and sugar.
The first week was hard. The diet food made life a lot easier, I could shake and go and not worry. I started tracking food on myfitnesspal and wearing a Polar watch and tracking calories out every week. Eric and I were awful at remembering to take measurements, but when we got them it was so outrageous I nearly hit him every time. I started at 36% body fat and I’m roughly 20% right now.
And that’s after several failures and several birthday cakes. The mental anguish is there, but the eyes are satisfied.
For now, I want to impress on the fact that humans are fearful. And the only way to overcome that fear is to become knowledgeable. And the only way to learn is to absorb without judgement and analyze the information based on your experiences.
Which is why my fitness experience is going to be different than yours. I can only tell you what worked for me and my metabolism.
A mentor can lead you quicker than you can blindly search. A coach will not accept less than 100%.
And I’m here to tell you that you deserve to give yourself 110%.
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