Little Things

Tonight I gave in to the desire for food. It wasn't filling and it wasn't what I wanted.

I often think of why I use my body as a empty dumpster for feelings I can express or have no one to express to.

It's an interesting concept, making myself bigger to fill nothing.

Anyways. I gave in tonight under false premise that I haven't been sleeping due to calorie restriction, and my throat hurts, and I'll work it off tomorrow.

Excuses I wouldn't take from someone else but have been fed to me my entire life.

It's interesting how your brain will trick you. Perhaps a less reactive imagination would be better.

I see pictures of myself this time last year and even with the insane gains I've made on my squat, I can only think about how you can't really tell because the amount of body fat is either the same or possibly larger than when I was 128 pounds.

It makes me really sad. More sad that I can't control myself around food, the atmosphere, or the company.

So when it comes to things I can control, aka education, it almost makes me lose faith. I have such tenacity for somethings, and so much give for others.

If I go, if I leave this world I've created, will I come out alive? My biggest fear is regret. My biggest fear of reaching for my PhD is that I will come out worse. 4 years in debt with nothing to show for it. Possibly gain the weight back. Possibly fail out. Possibly go crazy and kill myself.

I think I have to try.

I know I want to try.

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