The Fear

Everyone fears something. Whether it be a tangible, physical threat, or a mental, abstract black hole, everyone fears something.

For instance, I am terrified of heights. Not getting there, oh no, I'll climb up like a monkey, chancing the thrill.

But looking down, oh hell, what did I get myself into again?

Actually, writing this aligns a lot with the rest of my life, but I'll get back to that.

I was so afraid of becoming different. I had lived in my skin so long that the mental threat of seeing myself differently was too much to bare.

I was less afraid of dying alone, having a heart attack, or never learning to ski than I was afraid of building a relationship with my true self.

What?

How ridiculous.

Until I finally made the connection. I'm not sure at what point I became desperate for help. Maybe it was one too many nights alone or one too many nights with a stranger. Maybe it was one too many cramps from eating too much or one too many headaches from starvation.

Maybe it was just the right time. Maybe I needed to have the experiences to build up the resistance to my own negative self doubt.

But I will tell you that the day I realized I was unhappy, was the day that every single thing fit into place.

I had the gym, I had the trainer, I had the equipment, I had the time, I had the willingness to do whatever, and I mean whatever in a black and white, ride or die sense, to do what it takes to completely change a lifestyle to one of fear to one of love.

I learned about protein. I learned about squats. I learned how to make my body move. I learned how to listen, analyze, and perform.

I learned that I didn't need alcohol. I learned that I had far too many crutches. I learned that I was falling into a trap that did not align with self love, self care, and self worth.

It was really hard. But each day it gets easier to give into myself and what I desire.

You may not want to now, but I hope that you get to the point where you realize you're the only one who could ever love yourself and have the capabilities to provide for yourself, more than anyone else in this world.

You make it happen. You work for it. You lose sleep for the dream.

Whatever dream that is. I hope you find it.

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