I just wanted to be me


I spent the day with paid OR leaders. It was interesting, they wanted to advocate for the youth without providing us the necessary tools – give us something we can afford, on a day we can go, and tell us we can bring change back.

That’s what I thought at least, 3 years ago when I started going to every single event AORN put on. The second I realized they wouldn’t kick me out of the Leadership Seminar just because I was only a staff nurse, I was in there like white on rice.

No joke. Sitting next to a CNO or a VP in a room filled with doctorates?

It makes you step your game up.

I hope forever more, I am always the weakest link.

Because that means I have something else to strive for, to become, to be better.

So while if you know me, you know I’m itching with anticipation and I cannot wait to be “done,” I am 100% fully cognitively aware that the second that I’m “done” I will find another pursuit.

I’ve already done it a thousand times.

I got comfortable at my job and went for my Master’s. I got comfortable with that work load and got a PRN job. I got comfortable with that flow and went after my personal training certificate and fitness nutritionist certificate.

I panicked with my Master’s was ending, what was next?

A doctorate.

Tell me I can’t, tell me I should wait, tell me it’s not time – I’m gonna make time.

The Universe heard me and the stars aligned and they accepted my plea to become better.

It wasn’t even a cop out, I won fair and square, I made the list.

I made the list with AORN’s Forty Under 40.

It felt like I created that list, neither here nor there.

I crawled through tunnels unfit for humankind. I wanted this. My fingers bled each time I came up from climbing up the well. I just wanted to breathe in an environment that was stifling.

I just wanted to be me.

Now I’m working towards becoming a yoga instructor and competing in powerlifting.

I’m working.

Notice, I said working.

This is hard. This takes a lot of time, effort, and tears.

This doctorate hurts my head. Sometimes I cry. I had to make it not personal.

Even the weights make me cry sometimes, everything is my fault.

But that’s a different mentality.

That’s a autonomous, responsibility-driven, ownership mentality.

This is always my circus. This is always my fault.

But I fully believe I can make it better.

So tell me what your goals are and I will help you achieve them. I want you to be as happy as I am in the struggle.

Because I’m always struggling. Make no mistake.

This is the preacher preaching to the choir.

A humble preacher wanting to help.

Love your faults. Build yourself. Know what you want, then go get it.

Relax babe, You’ve got this.

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